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11.12.2009

apple crisps


new york is cold and gray this morning.

and i am in love with the city for this reason alone.

because from the confines of my room--my home, with my desk lamp all aglow, i am thankful for this next day, this new season, for the impending holidays that herald this weather as their calling card.


this writing business is a tricky thing.

ideas come often.

well, relatively often.

nagging, little ideas mostly.

usually an idea comes to me and it sits for awhile.

and then another idea will come. and another.

and once i've collected four or five seemingly disconnected notions they start moving around like in the spin cycle of a dryer.

and after just enough to time to lose a few socks to who-knows-where, i begin to write.

but if i let the ideas collect for too long--if i have too much to say, the dryer stops turning, the socks stop warming, and i am the one who's lost.

i suppose that is the point where i just choose one idea and begin. work it out in words. even if i don't think i have words. even if words fail.


i've been in such a funk. a little over a month and a half now. the great debacle of 2009, my little funk.

ned. oh ned. really, we're back here?

after australia things were so good. it was all in perspective. and i started to feel beautiful. my god, for the first time in four years i felt beautiful. and then ned. and you know what? i didn't want to write about it because i thought, been there, done that. no one wants to know. the story's been told. it's boring. and honestly? i was embarrassed, ashamed. by the humanity of it--by my own fallibility. but this is how it works. you go in circles and move forward only to be sucked back by a current you couldn't see. and then you break free again. and you find new waterways. and you reexamine and rethink. and one of these days, one of those thoughts might just change my world.

some of my friends threw an apple crisping party on tuesday night. apple crisp and ice cream and wine.

i wasn't going to go. the funk prevails.

but the party was so close (a miracle, since i live far from almost everything) and i was cooped up in my room. and i have some very lovely friends that know my habits and knew some coaxing might be in order. so i got on the bus and went. and i didn't put any makeup on, or change my clothes. i didn't feel beautiful. and the funk carried on.

and then i got there. and i felt so unbelievably lucky. for these people that couldn't have given two shits what i was wearing. for these people who have seen me at my worst and still invite me to their apple crisps. for these friends who make me laugh and offer me wine and say, this too shall pass.

and pass it did. or at least lifted a little.


20 comments:

olivia rae said...

aww. these moments are what make life special. i've been in a funk lately as well, and can so relate. but even in the worst times, there is always a little beauty in there somewhere. your friends sound lovely and you are amazing!

Taylor Yves said...

oh that's a great description of ideas and thoughts and writing. sometimes i feel such a slave to thoughts because they just run in that dryer, over and over again until i write them down... it truly crowds my brain!
also, i have to say that i live pretty far away from most people in Chicago so i know how you feel about getting excited when something is close. i'm glad you went.

ChloƩ said...

ahh, i loved this post because i related to it. i am also in a funk right now. and i don't know how to get out of it! but i loved at the end when you said you felt luck to be around people who didn't care what you were wearing and that is how you know you have found a true friend! you are beautiful girl! i hope you have a better weekend!

Summer B. said...

You are amazing, in so many ways.

Life has a lovely way of turning frownsa upside down when we least expect it.

xo

Krysta said...

ah sweet Meg, I have been in your shoes. The whole month of September actually. I didn't see friends or make plans. I spent most weekends in my apartment often in my bed watching movies. I didn't even realze it was happening at first. And in early October I had a rude awakening at how my behavior was affecting my relationships, and slowly I brough myself out of it. I made plans (and forced myself to go even when I felt like being alone), I did little things each day to make me feel better- taking long walks, making my own dinner, color coding my to-do lists etc. Things that were small but slowly added up and helped me feel better about myself, confident again, more like myself.

It does take time, but my best advie is to do little things that make you feel like yourself again and eventually they will snowball into healthy behaviors that you feel good about.

I'll be thinking of you!

m. estelle said...

meg!
reading this is like a breath of fresh air for me, seriously.
somedays i feel like i'm the only one riding this rollercoaster, and then i read this and i realize that i am not alone!
i admire you, meg. you are lovely inside and out. i know it. and i haven't even met you.

happy weekend.
xo
e

Alexandra said...

That's great. I love dressing up but sometimes it's even nicer to go makeup free and have some great laughs...and apple crisp (my favorite)!

some girl said...

Thanks for your blog, Meg. I love all your writing, and your posts on ned are especially meaningful. Please don't stop telling that story, because so many of us need to hear it.

CrowNology said...

I hope the currents that pull you are warm ones at the very least. :(
I know how you feel...Cliche, yes, but true.
Wishing you peace.
a

jasmine said...

YES on the writing thing. i know exactly what you mean.

and you did a really good job summing up how most of us cycle through our problems and struggles - the whole one step forward, two steps backward thing. you ARE making progress though. just keep going. keep pushing. keep appreciating the things that lift you from that funk, if only for a little while. and keep writing about it! i write about the same things over and over and OVER again. and i worry that people may get sick of it. but i don't get sick of it, and each time i write about "it," i discover something new. i find a slightly different way of looking at the situation. and it just helps. it takes part of it away. it gets those thoughts OUT. and it helps me carry on.

this comment is directed to myself as much as it is to you. you definitely enable me to remind myself of these things by sharing your struggles. so thank you for your honesty and your willingness to bare your heart.

Signorina Svizzera said...

Meg, you are always spot on. I am on the " 3 steps back" part of my own problem cycle and it has really been getting me down. Thank you for being honest- sometimes I feel like I am the only one who isn't continuously moving forward.
You're lucky to have such great friends who can spot when you are getting in a funk and can lift you out of it, or are just happy to be there and be happy around you while you work yourself out of it.
(Oh, and I wrote about my own "corner store guy" if you're interested:) ).

Hanako66 said...

I'm so happy that you have such a wonderful support system. USE them, that is what they are there for! I hope that the funk goes away for good soon!

elliebird said...

you ARE beautiful, meg! i can tell from your pictures and from the way you write. but i know that no matter how many times people tell you that, it doesn't fix the way you view yourself.

your honesty helps me cope with my own similar issues. thank you, thank you, thank you!

Miss Carrie said...

Here's to friends! And here's to you, an unbelievably talented writer... It will pass, I'm sure.

Carrie said...

"and once i've collected four or five seemingly disconnected notions they start moving around like in the spin cycle of a dryer.

and after just enough to time to lose a few socks to who-knows-where, i begin to write.

but if i let the ideas collect for too long--if i have too much to say, the dryer stops turning, the socks stop warming, and i am the one who's lost."

That was beautiful! You have such a wonderful way with words. :)

It sounds like you have friends that are as good as mine for pulling you out of a funk. I'm so glad that you do. Those are very important for girls like us with tendencies to give in to sadness.

Happy Weekend! I hope the rest of that funk gets it's butt kicked out the window. ;)

Jalene said...

i think you are absolutely beautiful! and the words you write reflect how beautiful you are inside and out.

Courtney said...

thanks for your honesty, meg. Glad to see I'm not the only who gets stuck in funks. Pretty sure I haven't done anything productive this past week, and the sad thing is I don't think I really care. Besides, you know, feeling slightly pitiful.

Do you ever feel like, when people ask you "what's new with you," well, do you ever feel like there's absolutely nothing to say? That's been my problem lately. Nothing new.

p.s. hooray for funk-freeing friends! apple crisp, ice cream and wine sounds like the perfect tuesday!

2nd Girl said...

I, too, often get into a 'funk', except that I call them 'blackouts' where I lock myself away, emotionally and physically and just sit and the words won't come out to explain it or why it's happened. I have a boy, who has been in my life in some kind of way for nearly 5 years, and he doesn't understand the blackouts or that I need to be just held sometimes, that doesn't help.
This past weekend a blackout happened, it was awful, and all of a sudden my amazing friends, who just have to guess when a blackout is taking place, came and without asking for anything and knowing they would have to suffer my horrid mood, liften me out of the darkness and made me laugh and cry and share and dance and sing. Friends like that are amazing, I'm so grateful for them, and feel like I can never repay them.
Some people don't have blackouts and don't understand them, I just wanted you to know that I understand, completely how you feel..although underneath your smile you still feel very low and down, just look at something pretty and let it take you over for a while, I like to look at a tree and imagine how many different people have passed it by during it's lifetime, who planted it, who first touched it's bark....try it maybe, it might help sometimes..
Sorry for posting so much..

Marisa said...

i completely relate to this post...
so often you put to words what is in my heart
xoxo

Brittan said...

Just today I looked around and realized that I was back in a self destructive situation that I thought was gone for good. I didn't see it coming, though I should have... maybe I did... Either way, here we are again. You, me and so many others who have commented here. We're battling our little (or big) demons. Thank you for making this a place where we can come and share that. I'm often too afraid to say it out loud on my blog for the same reasons you expressed but how else do we learn but from admitting our own mistakes?

Also, you ARE beautiful.