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10.13.2009

dear love of my life,

i've been thinking of you of late.

and been unable to bring myself to write you.

i became self-conscious.

i think around the age of eighteen someone told me of a friend who had written letters at all the major events in her life and on the day of her wedding, presented it to her husband as her gift to him.

and i thought, perfection.

and i decided, i too, will do this. and thus began my own silent letter-writing-campaign.

and then this lovely, little blog came about. and i wouldn't change a word i've written and i wouldn't give any of it up for all the gold in the leprechaun's pot. but, i fear--i fear you might find these letters before it's time--before either of us is ready.

i keep thinking of john ashberry's at north farm:

Somewhere someone is traveling furiously toward you,
At incredible speed, traveling day and night,
Through blizzards and desert heat, across torrents,
through narrow passes.
But he will know where to find you,
Recognize you when he sees you

i read it and think, of course, has a more perfect idea ever existed? it's such a beautiful and comforting idea--all our lives we are moving rapidly toward this person.

and then we find them.

and then we find them. ay, there's the rub. i think about that moment--that moment of finding them--and all i can think of is junior year of physics and newton's first law of motion:

every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.

euf, of course.

hidden in that first law is the fact that the impact of that outside force cam be brutal.

so you've been traveling all your life in search of this person and then you find them and it's halting--that metaphorical slamming of the brakes. halting? no, not the right word. i mean the force of that stop--traumatic at best. and yes, it's thrilling and yes it's the beginning of everything, but in that moment and the immediate aftermath, i imagine it's nothing short of utterly terrifying

me too.

i'm scared too.

i mean, really scared.

it's a long time, this "till death do us part," no?

i know. me too.

but i'm asking you to be really courageous.

take the leap. okay?

i'll jump with you.







love, love, love, love,

me




33 comments:

Brittan said...

this made my curl my knees up to my chest, hug them and smile really big.

off switch said...

boy, you write so beautifully... personally, i have taken up the habit these past couple years of, when i get lonely or discouraged, saying a pray for "him" - that wherever he is, he's safe, happy, and healthy... and someday soon we'll meet. to think of that day though... definitely scary.

thank you for being you and writing from the heart... it makes me happy. ;)

Courtney said...

I have this great feeling that one day people will be quoting you. I love reading your words, they're straight from the heart and so resounding. I've never been good with stringing together my words, and I always feel like you are writing on behalf of us that can't. Thanks Meg.

Krissa said...

wow...I absolutely love this...maybe because I have been having some VERY similar thoughts. I often wonder if I share to much (that was my facebook status the other day actually..haha) and I am worried as well that He will find my blog before I am ready for him too...I open up my heart a lot on my blog and it scares me that he will find it before I am ready to share some of that stuff.
I love how you phrased this feeling and these thoughts...and I may quote you on my blog soon...because you put into words what I cant.
Thank you so much for this post...its comforting knowing thousands of miles apart someone is sharing some very similar feelings.
Thank you my dear friend!!!
xoxo

Brittany said...

gosh, sometimes you blow me away. that poem is so beautiful, and thank you for sharing what few of us are brave enough to say out loud.

~*"*Dia*"*~ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~*"*Dia*"*~ said...

It would be the best thing to read it from the very beginning. It's such a painful process sometimes - knowing eachother. Painful and frustrating because you cannot read eachother's minds and many things might be misunderstood. And..hmm, unfortunately men are not able to understand subtleties and few are willing to make efforts to really get to know you. I might sound cynical, but I used to be such a romantic and the reality proved to be different. Love is hard work... I guess it's better to have a slightly pessimistic view and be proved wrong, than overrate it and fall...

IIDA said...

This made me cry. In all the good ways.

Em said...

Oh Meg, you're writing is so wonderful. You really are a fantastic person and when you find him he's going to be one lucky lucky man! Keep hoping - hope is so precious, I feel.

I used to feel the same as you about meeting "him" - and then I did, and after our first exchange of words I just had this weird, incredibly strong feeling that I had to do something about this man because he was the one I was going to marry. It was a completely strange and subconscious thought - but it was absolutely right. I fell hard and fast - harder and faster than he did - but I knew, I just knew, that he would fall in love with me, and that when he did it would be worth the wait. It didn't take that long at all, but I was right. Six and a bit years later and I'm marrying him this weekend.

Bri said...

beautiful...just beautiful

Meg Fee said...

Em--because you have no blog for me to say this on, let me say it here: Congratulations on the wedding and best of luck! Oh, I'm ooshing for you!

Melissa said...

I absolutely love this post. You have such a way with words... I think we can all relate to this. Thanks so much for posting!

RW @ TrueBeauty said...

This put a smile on my face this morning! Love it!

Chloe said...

wow, this was beautiful, i love it! you are great with your words. thanks for posting this!

Paige said...

I found my way over here from "An Experiment in Poverty," and I'm so glad I did.

I love your letter to your future husband. So beautifully written!

I actually started writing letters to my husband early in my teens, and while I didn't end up writing as many letters as I thought I would over the years, when I got married last August, I was able to compile all the hand-written epistles into a scrapbook, which I gave my hubby on our wedding day.

Mine weren't nearly so eloquent, though. :)

Courtney Hope said...

... "nothing short of utterly terrifying."

I'm glad you chose this adjective, because so often I find myself desiring this very same "terrifying" thing. Beautiful and difficult and terrifying and lovely. And someday, I pray, we shall be led to it.

Thank you for your honesty!

Micaela said...

oh this, this letter i love.

what could make anyone feel more alive, more in love than to be willing to take a jump with the person you are meant to be with? the sincerest thing to ask- for him to be courageous, because in turn- you are going to be that for him.

i am in love with the love you guys already share.

i thought about you while reading this weekend. i read this:

"Not telling, however, coplies with the code of the Wily Woman."

-The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing.

i already believe you would love this book, and then i saw that. Those 2 words at the end.

ps. I also wrote a bit of it for you over at Jasmine's blog. I adored the Q&A.

jess said...

it happens... it really does! my mom would always tell me that one day I would find "the one" and it would all fall into place- after several broken hearts and what I though was "IT" we found each other... felt the same thing.. fell in love.. got married.. are having a baby (as you know) and are living happily ever after!!

This past year has quite easily been the best of my life and I can honestly say- it was worth the wait, and heartache, and frustration, and sorrow.. cuz the happiness supercedes them all!!

I can't wait for you to find him.. he's gonna be amazing- just like you!

danikreeft said...

i think it takes serious balls to post this kinda thing - to scrap at the bottom of your heart and go in front of an audience and pass it around.
it's ridiculously great and brave and i love it.
i'm going to go back to reading more "dear husband-to-be" posts.

thank you so much for sharing.

Sara said...

That mess is terrifying, isn't it? Lord have mercy, I want it to be worth it.

Children of the 90s said...

This is really beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

Jalene said...

Again,
beautiful.

I think you write what everyone wants to say. You write the words I can't form myself. Thank you.

Lauren said...

eloquently put.
you have a beautiful mind.
this future husband of yours is going to be sooo lucky.
your blog is such a breath of fresh air.

Thobeka said...

your writing makes my heart smile...

Hanako66 said...

that just broke my heart....ooh no, don't worry...it was in a good way:)

Marisa said...

beautiful as per usual...
that is one lucky man finding his way to you
xoxo

Kess said...

I always used to wonder who my husband would be too...

Your words are so beautiful and I love your blog!

jacqueline said...

oh meg - i found you by way of the rockstar diaries. you write so honestly and painfully. don't ever worry that he will find your letters before you or he are ready because if he is the right one, you could give them to him the second you meet him and he would read them and already know everything anyway. i know this because when i met my husband it was exactly like this. and that's why he is my husband.
you don't have to worry about him being brave - you should think about getting yourself ready for how wonderful and beautiful it will be to meet him.

Jalene said...

just so you know i come back and read this post pretty much every single day. it is just so beautiful.
especially the part that starts with "so you've been traveling..." those words--so true, meg. so beautiful. i think no words have effected me so much.
you are beautiful, meg. thanks for writing.

melhuff said...

I could practially scream ME TOO after every single sentence of this post. I too write letters to my husband-to-be in hopes of collecting them and giving them to him on my wedding day. And I love the poem by John Ashberry. I'm pretty sure it's one of my favorites. Love your blog!

peterdewolf said...

Very interesting.

I do these too!

Well to my "future wife."

Though, for some reason, most of mine seem to come out as warnings for the poor woman...

Anna said...

um this may be my VERY FAVORITE post series i have ever read. YES, yes it is. i adore these letters. every single one, because honestly, i compose one to my love everyday in my head... : )

love this, & your blog!!!
xo-

Amanda said...

Beautiful