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a trip to the store.

i remember being little. i remember my brother and i visiting a friend's house. it was early. very early. and we were little. very little. and this friend had a son. an older son. an older son who was still asleep. my brother and i could not understand this. how could someone sleep when there was a day to be had? our friend explained that one day we too would like to sleep in. 
i remember standing there. 
and hearing that. 
and being unable to believe it.

i remember my next-door neighbor on danbury drive was older. she had a pig as a pet. it would run around her yard. and her house. i don't think my parents much cared for this pig. and i remember my next-door neighbor would take care of me. and teach me things. and tell me things. 
once i asked her what she got for christmas. 
she said, clothes

i felt sorry for her. 

now i can never get out of bed. 
or have enough new sweaters under the christmas tree.

i'm not sure when it exactly it happened. when i started finding men in suits really attractive. was it the man? or was it the suit? was it that, in the suit, he reminded me of my father? was it that the suit became the talisman of stability? 

i think it was just recently. 
soon ago? no, that doesn't make sense. 
not so long ago. 
it was around the same time that clothes took a backseat to home goods. 

ahhh, home goods. 

today i entered the clothing store. today i looked for beautiful pieces in which to wrap this body i am learning to love. and today i abandoned all skirts and shirts and sweaters and pinafores for the plaintive call of the home goods. 

wine glasses. 
and bowls. 
and candle sticks and books. 
and bowls. 

and it is there in the store today--in these things, yes, things, that i see my future. these are the things that will traverse the island of manhattan with me. these are the things that i will bring to our first shared apartment. our first shared house. the things that i will pack and unpack. and pack again. and pray remain intact. 

fingering the glassware carefully, checking for cracks or chips i see his face. on one of our many moves he will screw it into a look of consternation meaning only one thing, really, you want to save those? he will hate them. he will hate the candlesticks i will buy today. this only makes me love them the more. 

and in the wine glasses i see the future dinner parties. and the first evening we clumsily make love, our fear numbed only slightly by the wine. yes, these are the wine glasses--the co-conspirators in our mutual seduction. i see the moment when the four glasses become three become two become one become gone. shattered one night after dinner. slipping through our child's growing fingers. 

i don't know the moment i began to plan for the future. when men in a tailored suits and glass platters became more important than gladiator sandals or a young would-be-actor boyfriend. 

perhaps this is the precursor to the inevitable tick-tick-tick of that biological clock. 

all i know is... that i'm looking forward to making the memories that will give this dowry a value that knows no numbers. 

4 wine glasses 
4 glass cups
2 candlesticks

all for under $52
(including tax)
from Anthropologie

a dowry indeed


Stephanie Belen said...

woman, you know the words in my head! some months ago my friend and i miraculously had extra money to spend, so we went to anthropologie during its huge huge huuuuuge sale and bought random stuff like tableware, cups, salt/pepper shakers, and tea cups. and then i started buying the children's books and toys. i honestly have them displayed on my bookshelf to remind me of what i want in my future. and while you see a man, i see a man AND a baby. i'm only 20 and have been for only 6 days. is it healthy to think like that right now? :/

Valerie said...

these things have been tumbling in my brain, too! you know you are an adult when you spend birthday money on home goods (annnd seeing exit the king).
kind of had a flea market date where we were looking at baby clothes for future children? how did that become an acceptable conversation? how is it not terrifying me? i am half liking this + half having no idea how to navigate this.

Anonymous said...

I love this. So well written and I know exactly how you feel!

Brett said...

Hey Meg.

I feel the same way about home goods. These days I would rather buy something for the kitchen rather than something for my closet. It makes me happy. Hope you are well. Miss you.


Micaela said...


i love that line about gladiator sandals and young actors.

but it's this line:
"these are the things that i will bring to our first shared apartment. our first shared house. the things that i will pack and unpack. and pack again. and pray remain intact."

that's absolute perfection.

Fashionably Kate said...

And a fine dowry indeed!

It's true. Those wine glasses will break, and that man will eat cold cereal out or your fine dinnerware, or use your nice silverware to open the locked bathroom door. It happens, and it doesn't matter.

Because you'll have him.

The Girl in the Yellow Shoes said...

You are amazing! I love how your words come together and explain your thoughts so perfectly.

And, home goods are my favorite. And now that there is a baby--baby clothes too. My favorite sweater that my baby wore this last winter was purchased years ago on such a shopping trip. And my favorite wine glasses--the same.

So true, and so beautifully written.

Anonymous said...

your writing sounds like music. each post perfectly depicts thoughts and emotions that i find myself completely identifying with. ever consider writing a book?

Anonymous said...

"really, you want to save those? he will hate them. he will hate the candlesticks i will buy today. this only makes me love them the more."

That is such a beautiful scene to look forward to.

Hanako66 said...

Meg, you had me smiling through that whole post....written so lovely...I could see your future too.

And what wonderful finds...so beautiful!

kSbl said...

I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks like this.
It's so hard to pinpoint those moments when you know you are growing up. But that is life.
Thanks for putting all these words out and sharing with all of us. Loved it.

iheartkiwi said...

my future husband does not understand my love of home goods... nor does he understand why i had to have the sweet little blue measuring cups from anthropologie when we have a perfectly good pryex set.

hang on to those candlesticks girl :)

Anonymous said...

This is beautiful Meg :)
I understand every word of it! I remember when I was six and visiting some family friends a few days ater Christmas. They had an older daughter who had gotten a bunch of clothes for Christmas and I thought that was so boring.
I aslo remember when I first thought men in suits were attractive. I remember when I started spending more time in the cookware and home departments of stores instead of simply sprinting to the clothing section.
Ah, growing up :)

Rachel said...

I was just having this convo with my girlfriend last night! She's getting her 1st big girl apt (on her own not with a boy) and I told her that now she'll be excited to go to the grocery store, Target, Ikea for all things homey! Ugh I felt old sayin it but it's true!

Love the blog!

Anonymous said...

truly... the same story. (I wrote a longer comment but it was deleted, so that's all I can do now haha)

Michal said...

such an eloquent and heart wrenching description of growing up.

Elise said...

Love this :) Gorgeous post.

Anonymous said...

how very well written!
you may have gone to school for acting, but you are also a writer...something I've found in the reverse: I picked up a major in english, but continually find myself to be at home the most on stage.


Courtney said...

I only hope that all women feel like this at some point. I know that I do.

Very well written, m'lady.

Fairfield said...

This is an absolutely glorious passage.

You should be proud.