color for the blog. eye-candy for you.

feeling low on my own inspiration today, i thought i'd share some photos (taken by others) that i can't stop thinking about. 

photo credits:

Martin Pisotti

jenloveskev

Fleur Audet

Katherine Squire

Jenny Gordy

Adelaide Ivanova

Sandra Beijer

tweexcore

carry on.

i didn't want to get out of bed this morning. which is how i know things are not quite right.

there are others hints too, i suppose.

the ever-deepening lines on my forehead.

my right eye that's been twitching intermittently for a month a half now.

a nagging lower back pain.

i've had two jobs for so long now that i can't remember a time when i wasn't rushing form one to the other.

but i'm in the long-transitional-period in which i whittle my way down to one.

and so for a month now, a month? more than a month? i've been working 50 hour weeks. and i'm spent.

does it sound as though i'm complaining?

i am.

i've gotten really, really good at complaining recently.

the funny thing is that as it all nears to an end it doesn't get easier as you'd suspect, but harder.

i feel like i'm gonna need a week off. to soak in epsom salts. to eat nothing but kale and fruit (i'd never actually do this). to reset the body to a normal, healthy state.

plenty of people work 50 hour weeks you say? 80 hour weeks? i know, i know! how do they do it?

i offer only this up in my defense...these jobs....as wonderful as they are, as much as i've learned from them, as thankful as i am for the money they deposit into my now growing savings account, they are not my dream. they are not the career. i want to be a writer, an actor, one of those band groupies, an activist, a presidential staffer...oh hell, i don't know. but something more. and so in addition to those 50 hours is all the time traveling to and from home so i can sit in front of this little screen and write. and in doing so unearth my future--or so i hope.

as anyone who's ever had an eating disorder, or eating issue really, knows....they're all about delay, avoidance. the mantra becomes oh well, when i lose 5 lbs, 10 lbs, i'll do it. until then, no. and if those pounds are never lost the thing is never done. and in ones' path is a wake of all the things set aside, neglected, perpetually put off--a life, usually. a life deferred.

with work consuming all of my time, i've had to put things off. and i don't want to. i want to charge forward, but there isn't the time. and i know the reason for putting things off is different than it was 3, 4, 5 years ago, but because it is familiar and terrifying territory, panic ensues.

up, there goes my right eye. twitching again.

this is all to say if i've seemed (continue to seem) a little bit silent, you know the reason why. and i humbling beg your patience.


oh lord, i just wrote all that, and today is memorial day...a day to celebrate and remember those who've given the ultimate sacrifice for this country. i'm a boob. forget everything i've just said and think about that--the true spirit of this holiday.

johnny flynn: bowery ballroom, saturday, may 28.

nothing more appealing than a really intelligent musician. 

How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved.

Sigmund Freud, Letter to fiancée Martha Bernays

via. 

my manhattan: hell's kitchen, grapefruit, and joy.

life, as of now.

there is this consistent, persistent feeling that i'm being pulled under by the tow. 


not that i'm drowning--i've felt that before and this is certainly not that--but that i'm running out of air. and gasps are getting harder to come by.

it's getting harder to pack my life--lives, really--into two bags each morning. to carry those (three?) lives outside of me--toting them from one location to the next--zigzagging across a city that is unforgiving of such things. tennis shoes, computer and camera, black dress and high heels.

i find myself arriving home late at night. too late. crouching on my knees, spilling the contents of my bags--my lives--onto the floor in search of my keys. my keys, please, just let me find the keys. i empty out everything i own, tossing books and cards and all the receipts that need to be sorted, and there they are--bottom of the bag--fallen into some hole in the lining. and before i can pick up the now scattered content, i desperately thrust that single metal stick into the lock, and it breathes air into me. it is a gasp for air that thrust. just in time. coming home breathes in new air. and i stand there. chest heaving. alight with the panic that comes from feeling like you won't get that next breath in time. and when the lungs are just full enough and the heat of fear lines only my extremities i sink to the floor once more. pick up the contents of my life for the last time that day and cross the threshold. 

and just as this true. so is the feeling that i am buoyant. and good. and so very happy. so very lived in. 

so very in love with waking each morning to begin again. so very in love with my coffee on the windowsill and the way the sun slices through my flat, wood blinds. in love with the new stack of books piled under my makeshift bed-side table. in love with the scent and feel of a spring long-overdue in this cobbled, fragmented city.

it is always an interesting experience to operate on both ends of the spectrum. to hold two opposing ideas next to each other and say, yes, both are true. for me, these two opposing notions are true. right now. at the same time. it is electric. creates more space, actually--you know, for that air to get in.

i don't hate new york. i thought i did. turns out i'm just not entirely keen on the life i've built here. and so slowly, ever-so slowly i'm making changes. 

if there is frustration--and yes, of course there is--it comes from feeling the need to justify those changes. from feeling like i must contain this life that is desperate to barrel forward, tumble out. from having to pause and wait while every inch of me screams to continue on. 

the good news is, before long this shall pass. there may be a few meltdowns along the way. but it shall pass. 

book club. and a wee of a tea at...oh, you know, random house.

somehow, someway i got myself on some list. and this list yielded an invitation to a random house reader's circle tea. 

and because i'm trying to adopt a philosophy of why not? i went.

despite the fact that i didn't know anyone, despite the fact that upon entering the elevator i was asked if i was a blogger and if i was did i have a card (i did not), despite the fact that fear usually wins out...

i went.

and it was swank.

grapefruit mimosas.

a tote to fill with books. (free books!). 

a speech given by lisa see.

swank! i say.

this does remind me, however, i have yet to announce a book club date for bossypants.

june 4 (trying something new with a saturday): 2:30 pm. same location as our last meeting (if you've forgotten or didn't attend the last go round send me an email at wilybrunette@yahoo.com).

as always, we welcome new readers, new attendees, and encourage boyfriends and husbands alike!

dear anonymous,

you raise a very good point.

why would i, who enjoys being single, wear a ring on my left hand-ring finger?


to which i say: i understand your confusion. it does look like my left-hand doesn't it? such is the trick of the mirror. ah, the mirror, you say! you missed that critical point. yup, it's my right hand. don't worry, many before you have been bested by the mirror's flip.

don't worry about it. it happens.

with mutual admiration,

meg

variants and tentacles.

people keep asking the same two questions.

or, variants of the same two questions:

there's the first regarding acting and whether or not i'm auditioning and will i ever give it a go?

the second involves men, always, men.

am i dating? why not? do i want to date? would i like to go out with this person's brother's ex-girlfriend's cousin, twice-removed.

let me address the latter: of course i'm open to dating. but the thing is...i like (love) being single. never have i liked (loved) it more.

so i'm not worried. about acting or men. those two questions remain happily unanswered. because the long and short of it is, i don't know.

what i do know is this:

i love the feel of the heavy camera around my neck. and the scent of the sunscreen i put on my face each morning. i love watching late-spring-storms roll in across the hudson from my window.

i love that life is not easy or predictable and that each day brings new and unexpected strangeness.

this is not to say life is easy or i'm always all-together in love with it.

life has been tricky lately. there is not enough time. not enough courage in my well. i fail with words when words i most need.

but there is a sense that now--this now--is somehow sacred. that everything is on the cusp. i find i'm growing tentacles. moving outwardly with both thought and word and so living my way into innumerable answers.

i suppose what i'm saying is...i'm not worried about those two--those two questions that everyone else wants to answer.

because if i live life fully--if i live it outwardly. if i answer all the other questions, they will come along, no? sort themselves out. reveal their answers in their own time. on their own terms.

and i'll wake one morning and the response will fill me, prompting new questions--demanding new life.

what i'm eating.

i am a firm believer that not only do our tastes change over time, but we have the power to actively change how we taste and enjoy food. 

the way in which to do this is simple: give up fake sugars. and cut out overly processed food. and if it the rest of your life is a slow process of learning how to do this? so be it. health is not a sprint.

1. toast with cottage cheese. simple, light, filling, and high in protein. need i say more?

2. strawberries. naked, raw, whatever you want to call it, have them just as they are. enjoy the warm weather and the fruits it has to offer.

3. "cheesy" kale chips. a few months ago, on a whim, i bought a dehydrator. now i've made some really foolish financial investments over the years, but i'm learning. this one has yet to prove itself as a sound investment, because to-date i've only really made these kale chips in it. so if anyone has some great recipes involving a dehydrator, please, send them my way! these chips consist of kale dressed in a sauce made of cashews, nutritional yeast, red bell pepper, a bit of lemon juice, agave, and green onions. they sit in the dehydrator for 12+ hours. i'm a snacker. that's my food profile in a nutshell. and since most snacks out there are not super healthy these kale chips are a great option for me. (though not totally realistic for most people, i get that).

4. chocolate covered pretzel. as well as enjoying snacks, i'm also realizing my sweet tooth is bigger than most. this little chocolate covered pretzel (asher's; dark chocolate variety) is the perfect size to really satisfy my cravings while still feeling like a big indulgence. it's only 110 calories and while i don't count calories i like to know it's a lot less than a snickers or some other traditional candy bar. 

5. peanut butter on toast. sweet, salty, protein-packed and filling. need i say more?

what's everyone else eating now? anything seasonal that you want to suggest?

previous "what i'm eating" found here.

one of those (perfect) days.

today was one of those lovely and perfect new york city days. a walk through central park. coffee and grapefruit with a girlfriend in a midtown cafe with dark wooded walls and windows thrust open. lunch at the restaurant above my upper west side grocery mart of choice. a delightful chai latte from a new (to me) local coffee shop, the sensuous bean (go, go, go--it's such a lovely experience). and an hour of just sitting. on a bench on central park west. marveling at the green of the trees above and cool air that the threat of rain ushered in. it was a day of small and simple joys. one of those necessary days that just really fills you up.

here's hoping friday and weekend prove much the same.

i'm a little giddy...

to be here today:

talking about my fairytale (kind of).

and swooning over this lady:

i mean... stripes? camera bag? easy, breezy smile?

done.

my manhattan: the week before the rain came--lots of green, lots of sun, and outdoor picnics.