giving thanks.

did i mention i had a lovely time away this thanksgiving? well, i did. despite the long travel to get there and back, i'd do it again in a heartbeat. 

i was joined there by my mother, father, brother, two aunts, two uncles, two cousins, and one brand-new cousin-in-law (i think that's a term). not to mention the three dogs.

we spent much of our time cooking, eating, watching tosh.0 (which, oh goodness, did i love), and taking in the breathtaking scenery. yes, there was that one brief moment we thought my cousin had to go to the hospital because he had peed blood, but as it turns out too many beets can make your urine do some funny things .

i'm telling you, if i could figure out a reason to move to colorado, i just might.

fed: a goal for the week

i believe in making small goals. each week. little things: more water, an apple a day, and on and on and such and such.

eventually these goals build on each other. they snowball (and tis' the season, right?).

i returned from thanksgiving with a terrible case of the homesick-blues and just ever-so-slightly in a state of sugar shock.

i didn't feel as though i overrate this thanksgiving holiday, but i certainly ate more than normal. this is not to say i regret one thing i put in my body or that i'd change anything. the holidays is a time to indulge in things you might not normally have. why not?! i say!

but i do believe in balance (i am a libra, after all). 

and returning to my own home, and my own kitchen, and my own city today i felt the need to balance my sugar-shock with something else.

so i set a goal.

this week i will reach for the unusual. i will step out of my comfort zone in terms of healthy foods. i won't rely on my old standbys.

so this morning i pulled the yellow bowl from my favorite set of dishes. in it i put a small container of greek yogurt (not using greek yogurt as a sour-cream-substitute {but as actual yogurt} is a big thing for me), blackberries, walnuts, and a little go lean crunch.

and then lunch found me at the whole foods bar noshing on red quinoa and an endive salad. i hated it at first, thought what have i done? but the more i noshed the more i felt my body thank me. 

when i eat things that are really good for me (nutritionally speaking) i feel space open up within me. perhaps it's an imagined thing, but it's marvelous nonetheless. it as though my chest becomes a cavity filled with light and space and energy (am i getting too new age-y yet?). 

so, do tell...have you a goal for the week? ( i want to know wether it's to write more often in your journal or sign up for the nearest singles's dodgeball league).

dear husband-to-be,

turns out i may not be so much of a city-gal as once was thought.
and i want the blinds pulled up, the curtains drawn, the windows open as much as possible.
i don't do well with dishes in the sink.
and i'll need you to remind me to do things every once-and-a-while, like pick up paper-toweling at the grocery store.
i want pictures everywhere and beautiful dishes.
and a garden outside. a yard, even.
i want the ability to obtain home-grown beef-steak tomatoes. (have you had them with garlic, balsamic vinegar and a little feta? nectar of the gods, i say. nectar of the gods).

will you be okay with these things?


that's all. for today. i suppose.

a taste of boulder.

a taste of thanksgiving.

a few thanksgiving musings.

thanksgiving in boulder, two years ago

it's 6:30 am and i'm up.

my little green mug of a coffee cup next to me. i like this green mug. it looks something like a plant-potter. it makes getting up easier.

i'm not a good traveler. have i mentioned this? i think have.

i'm one of those people that likes to leave hours and hours in advance so i can just sit at the gate. better safe than sorry, i say. so you can imagine how these new security screenings have me all aflutter.

here's the plan. subway to midtown. huge suitcase in tow (because for whatever reason i never managed to get a medium size one to my manhattan apartment). exercise class (perhaps physique will calm me before the travel?). and then to the airport. this is all plausible, doable.

i've even picked out a special outfit to wear on the plan. because i still believe in that--getting slightly dressed-up for such things. i'm not a sweatpants traveler, no sirree.

did you know thanksgiving is my favorite holiday? i've said this before. i think because it feels like a three-four-day-event more than any other holiday. i however, am not a fan of thanksgiving food, never have been. i've never enjoyed turkey (unless ground) and i'm not a stuffing person. i do however make a mean ice cream pie which basically consist of a a pre-made pie crust, three different flavors (often of the chocolate and toffee family) and crushed heath bars. let me tell you, it takes a real artisan to make this pie. and an artisan i am. we all have our own thanksgiving traditions. the ice cream pie? well, that's mine.

my family drinks champagne on the actual day. i am looking forward to this.

and for whatever reason there's nothing i want so much during my five-day-adventure than a fresh-out-of-the-oven-cinnamon-bun.

i'm even (wait for it) looking forward to the traditional family hike. and i. am. not. a hiker. but there you have it. the dogs come. we all pile in the cars. and if there's any snow or ice on the ground i tend to take a tumble at one or two different points.


and you know what i keep thinking about? thanksgiving two years ago. and this post. and not being able to bring a pair of jeans. and how this time i can. and how it's simultaneously so exciting. and so not a big deal.

i'm trying to leave my worries here in new york. my concerns about my day-jobs and my future. those nasty, little nagging feelings of disbelief and fear. because i get to escape for five days and i sure as hell don't want them catching a ride in my black suitcase. it's big. just not that big.

the circus

on thursday night i headed to lincoln center to meet a friend and go to the circus.

yes, lincoln center. the great arts mecca of new york city (or one of them, at least).

and there nestled between the metropolitan opera house and alice tully hall and avery fisher and juilliard--right amidst all the towering white building made of granite or some such is the temporary white canvas of the big apple circus.

when kathy and i arrived and the show began we both quickly decided that perhaps we should have gotten a drink first. there was something a bit depressing about it all. the empty seats--the sense that the entire production was a bit worn around the edges. the feeling that the art form itself was struggling to find a foothold--to adapt to these modern times.

and yet given enough time and enough stragglers the tent began to fill with not only warm bodies, but the squeals of children. and if the squeals of children can't totally undo you, well then, i'm not sure what to tell you.

kathy and i ended up squealing a bit ourselves, or at least laughing deeply for a good two hours. there was nothing i loved so much as the dogs and horses and goats, i would go each night for that alone.

oh, to see a goat ride a horse--if you've not seen this at least once in your life: amend, amend at once!!

all that being said, i suppose there's something to learn from the circus. and so my goal for this week is to laugh deeply.

to laugh deeply, and love deeply, and live outwards in all directions at once. (that's not too overwhelming a goal for this thanksgiving week, is it?). nah, didn't think so.

happy monday (a very gray monday in new york) to you!

FED: a few thoughts from this week

i have come to realize that how i feel about my body is in large part related to the quality of food i consume.**

meaning the better the food, the better i think i look...oh, the vanity!

i've not been making great choices lately. and it's not that i've been choosing terrible foods, it's more that i haven't been choosing good foods.

good is a tricky word. what i mean by it is food that provides my body with nutrients, vitamins, energy, the promise of a long-life (or some such).

for me healthy-eating is not the default setting. it has to be a constant, front-of-the-foot motion. the weighing of all options and the active choice (again and again and again) to eat well.

and when i allow ease and convenience to supersede other needs, well,  then processed foods tend to win out and it's a slow, downward spiral that leaves me feeling just-a-little-bit-off.

i forget sometimes that food isn't just for pleasure. sometimes i have to eat something even if i don't love it.

yesterday morning i pulled the cottage cheese from the back of my fridge. it had yet to be opened. sigh. i checked the expiration date to make sure it was still in the realm of won't-make-me-too-sick and then proceeded to pile it on a slice of whole wheat toast. let's be honest. i really love my trader joe's tuscan white bread. and i really love it with butter. and cottage cheese on whole wheat--not. my. favorite. but it's good for me. really good for me. (ps: cottage cheese is unbelievably high in protein so for anyone who doesn't eat meat it is a cheap, effective way to keep the body going).

so i had my cottage cheese on whole wheat bread. and immediately i felt better. it was as though space arose within me. does that make any sense? not to me either, but that was the sensation--and one that i could spend the rest of my life chasing because it was just that good.

and i spent the rest of my day attempting to make good choices. a peanut butter and banana smoothie from GNC. a faux chicken patty for lunch. followed by yogurt. and a mediterranean wrap from a new health bar on 72nd (so not tasty, but at least i got some veggies in, right?). pop chips and almonds.

the danger in feeling like i haven't been eating well is that it makes me nervous. yes, i get nervous. in fact, i have a tendency to panic. and inevitably i try to autocorrect--that's my impulse, always. but as anyone who has an iphone knows, autocorrect gets it wrong more often than not.

i was walking down broadway thinking about my food choices and i longed for some confirmation that i had been good enough. good enough? what does that even mean? it's such a dangerous thought, such an unhealthy phrase. but it made clear why diets are so seductive: diets take all the guesswork out. they make the picture black and white. either you've been good enough. or you haven't. there's no uncertainty. but life is not black and white. there is uncertainty. period.

diets don't work because a person can't chart their life in black and white forever.

and the thing is, if you can't do it forever. it just won't work. fin. end of story.

**the important thing to remember (for me, just as much as anyone else) is that the food i put in my body is only a fraction of the story. how i think i look depends on so many different things--most of which i can't control. but what it really comes down to is happiness--or at least the pursuit of it. so a weekly bouquet of flowers, a morning coffee, dressers over-flowing with freshly-laundered shirts, and clean bedroom (a bed made each morning, included)--these daily niceties determine my view of myself just as much as whether i choose to reach for that second cupcake or not.**

and an interesting note: our body weight fluctuates by six pounds each day. meaning at any given moment we might be up six or down six and it has nothing to do with what we've eaten or whether or not the bed made was made in the morning. weight, is in fact... wait for it... random. feed on that.

twinkle, twinkle.

holiday decorations have returned to my little corner of the island.

which means one thing:

i spend my days wondering when my daniel-day-lewis-of-a-canadian-tree-farmer will arrive on 181st just east of fort washington and i might get myself a little holiday cheer.

homeward bound.

i'm gonna level with you. i'm a little bit granola.

and the promise of a week in boulder, colorado (or just outside it) come next tuesday has me breathing a bit easier.

a week of nothing but jeans, dansko clogs, zip-up sweaters, shopping at the spacious whole-foods (as only colorado can produce), family, good food, laughter, morning hikes followed by morning coffee runs, cool-fresh-mountainous air: all respite for the soul.

and then there's thanksgiving. my favorite holiday. something about the glow of a dining room against the quickly-darkening november sky. the people you most love convened in one room offering up gratitude for the gift of one more year.

i'm actually counting down the days...

stopping for a thought

it would have made more sense had it snuck up on me. had it been a slow, gradual kind of thing--approaching from a distance with blinking lights and low whistles.

but alas.

i was in the middle of the restaurant, navigating between tables and people and moving trays on the busiest night of the week when it happened. i stopped. i just stopped, planted my feet and puased.

and there amidst the swarming and moving, time reached elastically around me and i thought, my god, what am i doing?

it was such a simple thought. so clear and emotionless. it was as factual as a thought can be. a fraught-less though, if you will.

and there, paused in the middle of the restaurant in my own sphere of space and time, i thought enough. enough of this.

i have set up my life in such a way as to pursue that which i love. and yet the pursuit has stalled. for fear.

fear. oh, fear.

fear and i are well acquainted. bosom buddies, you might say.

it's just... well, the thing is... fear no longer seems a strong enough deterrent.

because that which i love may not always be clear. and it may not always be easy. but it certainly isn't sashaying to tables in a short black dress hoping that the men don't look too long in the wrong direction.

and so the thought simply was.

(almost as if it had been there all along, just waiting for me to catch up.)

an asparagus bouquet

i got home from a long day of work yesterday at an hour nearing nine. and i was meant to do laundry. but i couldn't find the card that would allow me to use the machines. and not one of the three dvd players i tried would play my exercise video. so i settled for another night all together--one that would be highly unproductive.

i was feeling a bit guilty about all that i had eaten, but attempted to banish those thoughts. i opted  instead for forgiveness--reminded myself that some days a person eats more than others.

so i settled into the red armchair in the living room, took in a little bit of the thursday night line-up, put some tomato soup on the stove, asparagus in the oven, and toasted a bit of bread to enjoy with my hummus.

and i gave thanks for the end of the day, for an early and imminent bed-time, for good food to nourish my body, and the promise of thanksgiving just a few weeks away.

and for asparagus. isn't it just the loveliest vegetable you've ever seen? i like to cook it up in the oven with a little oil and top it off with some chili pepper flakes. yup, i like a little kick.

i'm off this morning to get in some physique before a long day of work. i am realizing that not one of my jobs encourages healthy eating habits so my goal for today is to be kind to myself and my body. and look forward to the promise of a light saturday.

mid-morning revelation.

i had a phone call to make this week. a little one. not the end of the world.

but i'm not so great on the phone. so the whole idea of it terrified me.

i was standing on 57th, shaking in my boots, on hold, when i looked up at the building across the street.
it was glass. and as the sun dove into it, it reflected another building. and something about the meeting of the two--the stone and blue and brilliance of it made me think of rome.

and i took a deep breath wishing desperately i was in the eternal city.

but then i thought, life would be scary in rome too. hell, life is scary everywhere.

and there was something simultaneously exhilarating and unbelievably comforting about that realization.

life is scary everywhere. that's just part of the deal.

a question for you...

i've been working on finding balance in all areas of my life. work. health. time. space. 

and so i promised myself that on this, my one day off, i'd enjoy it. 

and new york acquiesced. as i exited my building, i swung the door open to find four (five?) strapping, young fireman standing in the narrow entry. my knees buckled, i swooned, and right then and there i decided i've never loved new-york-city-living so much as i did in that very moment.

then i met my dear friend alex who i love for oh-so-many-reasons (and who i loved most especially today because he used the word lascivious during our conversation). we talked of the aforementioned balance, a nagging lack of courage, romantic prospects and then to finish it off we stood over the food case and debated sweet v. savory. to which i replied: how can one choose? because i can't imagine why one would want to. i'll take both. at the same time, please. 

so, but now i wanna know... sweet or savory? what do you think? do tell...

just thought i'd share.

yesterday morning i woke, found myself in the kitchen, and thought, oh husband that i'll one day have, promise me you'll load and unload the dishwasher. 

and then as fate would have it i was watching the single's dodgeball episode of 30 Rock and lo and behold: 

I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame, and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed - like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms, like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me. Even when I’m old. And that’s what I want.

you gotta love that liz lemon.

(ps: i hate the new blogger format. it doesn't do what i want. like, why is everything in caps?!!! except of course this. blerg.)

FED: small victories. and shifting priorities!

i took the bus back from new jersey in the late afternoon on satuday. i wanted to take a physique class before the delicious quiet and day of rest that is sunday.

i don't remember much about the class. except that, it was crowded and i stood next to some girl who must have been a dancer. i know this because when we were working on our seats (butts and surrounding territory) and we have to shoot our leg out from the side of our body and mine starting shaking and didn't want to get anywhere close to the necessary position she just popped her's right out there. i mean...it was like...shoop. and i was like...oh, shit.

but what strikes me most about that class is that afterwards i devoured my post-class-new-tradition green apple.

i don't like apples. they're not my thing. never have been. but the studio has them in a glass bowl and i know that they're good for me and (let's be honest) wanting to get my money's worth, i always grab one. i usually suffer through about half of it. suffer, no? but survive. i eat as much as i can handle. and then i move one.

but on saturday evening i was thirsty. really thirsty. and i'd just read some article about eating more water (yes, eating) and knowing those little green suckers were chock-a-block full of the stuff i reached for one, sunk my teeth in, and oh the delicious juice-filled-thing that it was! i enjoyed it in the lobby, waiting for the elevator, during the ride down to the street.

one one of the eight floors between physique and the lobby another girl hopped on--she too with green apple in hand. i recognized her from class. i wasn't (and still am not) sure why she was on another floor and my confusion led way to conversation. and she asked me how long i'd been taking classes and where i come from to get there. and then of course, the question that everyone asks, had i seen results. 


and i understand the question. i do. i get it.

i politely side-stepped it with, you know. yes, i'm sure. but i'm trying very hard not to focus on that.

what i really wanted to say was, i'm enjoying this apple! loving it, in fact! i'm halfway to the core, my usual stopping-spot, and i'm gonna keep going. this is the success--this is the result--this green apple, right here, and my LOVE for it! 


there's always a moment in class when the instructor asks us to reconnect with the reason we came today. asks us to imagine how we want our seat to look in our jeans--how long and lean we want our arms to be and on and on and such and such. and i'm inevitably the girl in the corner, pulsing my squats--legs shaking away--thinking: bone density, bone density. i'm building bone density! or my heart, my heart. i'm strengthening my heart--reducing my risk for heart disease, obesity, diabetes and on and on and such and such.


don't get me wrong. i want those long, lean limbs. and yes, i want the seat that looks dang good in my blue jeans. but if that's what i think about in that moment that class gets really hard, well, i'd stop. because those reasons alone are just not good enough. they just don't do it for me. but, my health? well, that's another story all together. hell, i'd pulse those squats to kingdom-come to keep my heart pulsin' on its own.

and so i may not be able to measure how how much bone density i've gained, but i can see how my love for a green apple has shifted. and holy moly, that's something.

i have a secret to confess...

if you see me on the street and i'm smilin' for no reason at all i've either...

1. just finished physique class and am now noshing on a clementine

2. or i'm movin' to this beat**

and chances are... it's the latter.


**just a head's up that there is gratuitous language involved (featured, rather) and if that's not your thing then don't click over. but if you can stomach it (or take it with a grain of salt) then oh god is the video worth it! 


(and a big thanks to natalie for bringing it into my life).

grocery store bundle.

i go to the grocery store. every day, in some form or another.

there's the one i go to on 72nd with cheap cheeses and great guacamole. and the one on 74th where a gal can always count on a gaggle of firemen stocking-up for the week. there's the whole foods at columbus circle. and the one at union square. each with a fresh foods bar and stonyfield ice cream. and then of course my corner store on 181 that i head to daily for canada dry sparkling water. i go to frank's market on 187th when i need to pretend i live in a small town. and the ap across the street from that has those unforgivable fluorescent lights but, bless it, a decent selection.

and so i cycle through the stores. most often choosing the one that falls along my route for the day.

but yesterday morning i set my alarm early. got up, dressed, took the c train downtown, treated myself to an israeli latte and entered the grocery store of my choosing. i wanted the full experience. and i wanted it without too many others around. i wanted to revel in all that is a grocery store. i wanted to buy the mammoth box of clementines knowing i'd have to lug it nowhere but home. and so i perused the aisles, cruised the fresh produce, sipping my latte all the while.

and then i came across the flowers. oh the flowers. i picked some up,  began to walk away, then quickly returned and replaced them. flowers are an indulgence i cannot allow right now. not enough money.

and yet i couldn't seem to tear myself from the little corner of greenery. 4 dollars. that was it. that was all. the cost of the little bouquet. the cost of the coffee in my hand. why not splurge just this once? and as i stood there i was struck by a passage i had just re-read in liz gilbert's eat, pray, love. it's towards the beginning of the book when she's talking about moving into her first apartment--just after leaving her husband, breaking up with her boyfriend. and she talks about painting the walls warm colors and buying herself flowers every week--as though she was visiting herself in the hospital.

she creates a hospice of a home.

and so there i was. sunday morning. staring at the flowers. wondering why we only allow ourselves such indulgences when things get really rough.

and the thing is, what i'm learning is...if i wait now, if i put it off now, then probably i always will.

so i picked up the 6 dollar bundle, turned around, and walked away. this time, for good. and as i collected my fruits and vegetables and nuts--all with my flowers under my arm--i could feel my mind spinning and clicking, a veritable rolodex up there.

it's happened once or twice before, i hit a pocket of space and time and i can actually feel--actually hear my mind sorting thought after though at a speed so rapid i don't dare keep up. it is a restructuring of mind. a realignment of body. sudden realization after sudden realization--or at least the promise of realization. it is elucidation. the body alight with insight. it is a feeling unlike any other--a vitality unparalleled.

the flowers are on my dresser. in my sanctuary of a room. in my sun-lit apartment. in a little corner of washington heights. just along the river.

because the time for waiting has passed.

montclair for the weekend. dreaming of a life.

new york became too much for me this week. it often does, but something about this week did me in. so i headed to montclair, nj (just twenty minutes from the city by bus) for a home-cooked meal, a real look at some fall foliage, and family time.

every time i get off the bus i breathe a little easier. the air is inevitably cooler and fresher and the tree-lined-streets sing me song after song as my feet crunch their way to my aunt and uncle's home. it is a town made for halloween decorations and thanksgiving turkey platters as much as for summer evenings and pick-up baseball games. i love it more each time i go. and i dream of living there. raising a family there. it is respite that speaks to the very recesses of my soul.


1. along the path from the bus to my family's home. 
2. the foliage in front of this house is always overwhelming. 
3. trees on fire.
4. i couldn't get over the halloween directions.
5. the sweedish sugar cake my aunt made to celebrate my birthday. delightful, in every possible way. (i had two mammoth slices). 


(i like the way olivia rae details her pictures with numbers, so i am indeed following her lead in this format). 

finding my way back. and searching for my groove again (you know, the one that stella got back all that time ago).

yesterday was the eighth day of the never-ending-cold.

and so i awoke. depressed.

no, no, not depressed with a capitol "d", more just off,  down-in-the-dumps, a little... out-of-sorts.

i'd lost my mojo (blogging-mojo included {maybe, most especially my blog-mojo}).

it had been a week of runny noses, scratchy throats, undeniable sinus pressure and a strange sense of nausea coupled with hunger--that was the worst! the inability to identify my own sense of hunger. or lack thereof. and so my eating was all askew.

but after a trip to the minute-clinic and a prescription to combat what i was told was a sinus infection i willed myself to trader joes' knowing that on this, the eighth day, a good dinner was gonna make or break me.

i needed something tasty and healthy but with a little kick.

so while at trader joe's i picked up the mahi mahi fish burgers, their pre-made guacamole, and some produce to fill it all out.

i could live on those mahi burgers alone. i know this would not be a good idea for a myriad of reasons, but i love those things--for the not-so-long-ago-burger-queen anything in the shape of the patty speaks to some deep recess of my soul.

but the mahi patty alone would not suffice.

so i pulled out a frozen trader joe's pre-made guacamole, ran it under some warm water to thaw it out, and chopped grapes, grape tomatoes, and cilantro to my heart's content (all while watching modern family). i really like the guacamole as is, but the chance to add in some more veggies cannot be ignored. veggies and a little squeeze of a lime? yes, please. thickens it up and adds nutritional value.

usually i'll just add the guac on top of the patty and call it a day. but i've been, as i said, down-in-the-dumps. so i sauteed some mushrooms in a little bit of butter for that extra something.

and so it went. mahi mahi patty. sauteed mushrooms. and guac on top.

and my restorative dinner was made. and devoured.

followed by a massive, levain chocolate-walnut cookie.



i'm sorry that i've lost my blog-mojo. sorry that i've been inconsistent and scattered about this week of creating a new tab--one that focuses on health and feeding the whole body. but i am so grateful and excited by your responses and ideas. and happy to announce that the new tab label will be...drumroll please...FED. isn't it perfect? and simple? and the absolute best play-off of NED? there were so many good suggestions, but tiffany's just seemed so obvious (kind of the way brilliant books are obvious in that that they're genius and you wish you'd thought of them yourself). the FED series will continue, but will be interspersed with regular programming. it will provide recipes, ideas, suggestions, information, products (all through my slightly warped lens of course--and i definitely want to hear from you all). i just want to make it clear that FED will not be about weight loss. it will be about finding our natural body, learning to love the body we have, and being really smart about how we do that--especially in how we talk about it.