humble offerings.

"A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked."

anais nin

the air here feels--smells like october in texas. i have just a week left in utah before i head home (to where the buffalo rome) and then onward to new york. life is simultaneously crawling and hurtling. time is pliable, like taffy, stretching in all directions at once. and if find myself thankful for the little things. like cool autumn air.

i've not been a great blogger this summer. i know this. but sometimes things are hard. hard in a way that writing does not assuage or elucidate. hard in a way that privacy becomes necessary. so forgive me. please, forgive me. i'm learning, you know? and i'll get better.

image.

space. and his silence.

there have been two boys (two men, i suppose) that i have cared for. deeply.

two boys (men) who i think of.

though, not often.

not anymore at least.

but two nights ago i dreamt of one. and then today i thought i saw the other.

my mind must be sorting. figuring out where to place these two phantom figures.

and because the cup of the subconscious runneth over (so to speak), i (against my wishes) find myself thinking (consciously?) about both. with one i talk and argue and laugh and with the other we begin in silence.

and that silence is enough. always it is enough.

and so it goes. the two daydreams. the words and banter and laughter v. absolute quiet.

and the thing is, every time--every. single. time. the quiet wins. there is such peace, such love in a world where no words are needed.

image via flickr: eylul aslan

tonight's show. come rain or shine...

the show WILL go on.

two people will fall in love and attempt to run away together.

if there is no rain...we will perform outside (as scheduled in memorial park {800 east and center street} at 7 pm).

however, if the sky opens up. head to the BYU campus and find us in the HFAC. there will be signs (or people) showing you where to go. (and we'll wait for you).

if you're unsure whether we'll be at the park or on campus, check my twitter for a up-to-the minute update (of sorts).

standing in the shower. dreaming.

i took a long shower tonight. let the water rush over me.

closed my eyes and dreamt.

of the corner of 76th and columbus. and its blue storefront.

of cafe aroma's israeli lattes. foam sticking to my upper lit.

of blossom's vegan milkshakes.

of the hudson river and its flourish of green.

of boots and tights and winter hats.

of fall.

of a dingy basement bar open till four that plays nothing but marley.

of the foyer of my apartment building. the marble steps. yellowing light.

of the corner coffee shop on saturday mornings. white counter top before me. coffee and croissant.

of my towering black bookcase and the white speakers my brother got me last christmas.

of my bed. my own bed.

and the lovely family i've cobbled together in that city of millions.

soon enough. soon enough. still got some mountains to climb. figuratively and literally.

had i known him, we might have had a torrid love affair. (or quotes by albert camus).

the only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.

always go too far, because that's where you'll find the truth.

if absolute truth belongs to anyone in this world, it certainly does not belong to the man or party that claims to posses it.

should i kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?

where there is no hope, it is incumbent on us to invent it.

autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower.

live to the point of tears.

...(today i had plenty of coffee, a few tears, and then dreamt of autumn and the hope it always seems to bring. oh camus, he just gets me.)

thanks, mom. (in advance. way, way, way, in advance).

my cousin got married last weekend. i've spent many hours perusing all her photos, wishing i could have been there. my father told me all about it over the phone and i jokingly asked him if he took notes, after all, i would be getting married one day.

he very seriously responded, that yes, in fact he'd been stowing away ideas.

this is part of an alarming trend i've noticed: my mother's voice jumping two octaves in response to the admission that i'd been asked on a date. or standing in the middle of banana republic as said mother probes friends about single, eligible sons. and then there's my favorite--the critique of all facebook profile pictures, because lord knows it will be my photo (on facebook, no less) that snags me a man.

and really i suppose it's for the best that there's no wedding near. because i can't decide if i'll want a quick trip to city hall, a day at the vatican, an evening in the tuscan countryside, or a hudson river valley farm wedding. there are just so many places, so many ideas, so many things i'd like to do.

and then there's the issue of the dress.

oh, the dress.

when i first arrived here in utah i'd spend my mornings at the gym.

and from 9 till 10 on the learning channel is none other than say yes to the dress.

you know it, don't you?

you must.

where women from all over go in search of the perfect dress, for that perfect day.

well. hmph. now take my desire for about 500 different wedding locals. amplify that by 1,000 and you'll have some inkling of how i feel about wedding gowns/dresses/ensembles.

the only thing i know for certain is it won't be terribly traditional. classic as hell--timeless, yes, but just a we bit offbeat.

the whole point of this post (which unfortunately i've gotten very distracted from) was to say (essentially) this:

so in watching say yes to the dress i've been struck again and again by mothers who are nothing less than heinous. who make the day about them. who choose the dress. and refuse to listen to their daughters. and then you watch as the poor girls have nervous breakdowns as they realize they are terribly misunderstood. and on and on and on.

and i've sent up countless prayers of thanks for a mother who knows me. and because she loves me, really loves me, she'll always let me choose. the choice will be mine. (and with my track record of choosing, the fact that she'll still let me is...remarkable).

so mom, this is to say, i look forward to the day when we'll go in search of the dress. together. and thanks (in advance) for how graciously you'll allow me the final say.

image credits:

1. Braedon Photography

via Once Wed of

Laura and Ryan's wedding.

2. unknown sources for these three photos.

the first dress is carolina herrera.

the second is unknown.

and the third is reem acra.

3. Our Labor of Love Photography

via Once Wed of

Max and Margaux's wedding.

thinking of my room in new york...

as i start to think about returning to new york, i begin to salivate over my gorgeous washington heights apartment. the entrance hall is perfection. and my roommates with their light-colored paint and potted plants and vintage trunks have done wonders for their bedrooms. the living room is lovely and spacious. but i left before i could properly outfit my room. so now i'm dreaming nothing but home decor.

ideas? suggestions? websites, pictures you want to direct me toward?

photo credits unknown.

there are moments

that i know i will long for

even as i live them.

judith katzir

business

1. our performance schedule is changing!!!

we've decided to cut our run short a bit because (1) the school year is starting up (2) no one wants to burn out and (3 {which only applies to me, but i'm most excited for}) i get to spend more time in texas with my mom and dad before heading back to new york.

so here we go...the remaining shows:

August 27 Pioneer Park, 500 W Center Street, Provo, 7 pm

August 28 Memorial Park @ 800 E and Center Street, Provo 7 pm

August 30 Memorial Park @ 800 E and Center Street, Provo 7 pm

Sept 2 the Duck Pond @ 800 N, BYU 7 pm

Sept 3 the Duck Pond @ 800 N, BYU, 7 pm

Sept 4 Pioneer Park, 500 W Center Street, Provo 7 pm

Sept 6 Memorial Park @ 800 E and Center Street, Provo 7 pm

(also note that next saturday night {the 28} we were meant to perform in salt lake, but will do the show here in provo because of the expense and time involved in traveling. i do hope that if you were planning to attend you still might. we'll make it worth your while and i'd love to meet all you gorgeous people.)

i do hope if you're in the area (or nearby) you'll make a trip. last saturday night we had a great turnout and it was so much fun. and i loved getting to meet some of you! so please come and for the love of all that's good in this world say hello!! (i promise i don't bite and i won't think you're odd).

2. my contact info has changed. for questions and comments and such please email me at wilybrunette@yahoo.com. i have changed my email for several reasons. (1) i'm hoping it helps me organize my life a bit and aids in my ability to respond in a prompt and kind fashion. (2) it streamlines the blog--my twitter is under the same name. (3) because i'm realizing privacy might be something to hold fast to as much as possible in this internet era, and i'm not willing to give up the blog or my need for honesty

bubble, bubble (toil and trouble? nah).

i love champagne.

cava. prosecco.

this is not a secret.

i need no occasion. no excuse.

and i love the glasses in which to pour the bubbly.

in fact there is a cabinet waiting for me in new york.

it sits next to the couch in the living room.

it has dividers. probably meant for filing. but the sections are just wide enough--just tall enough for the long slender flutes and the shorter, vintage-inspired coupes.

yes, my roommates and i have a furniture piece dedicated solely to the housing of champagne glasses.

(is it any wonder we get along?).

i hadn't had anything to drink since arriving in utah at the end of june.

so on saturday night i made my way to the liquor store. picked out a bottle of pink bubbly and carefully unpopped the top (oh the sound of the cork coming undone!). i poured it into a fancy glass-cut goblet (the kind perfect for russian estates--perfect for checkhov plays) and sipped quietly as the conversation carried on around me.

i didn't need much. didn't need to drink quickly. hardly needed to go back for seconds.

and i though, there is something to be learned from this love affair with champagne.

you see i respect the champagne. i recognize its place--its purpose. and so i never overdo it.

now if i could apply this understanding to just a few other things (like ice cream and mexican food and cheese) it might change...oh you know, everything.

this is just to say.

i drink pellegrino. with lemon if i can.

and i don't eat meat. if i can help it. for environmental reasons.

i'm never gonna choose a sushi place for a night out.

and i prefer the expensive cheese.

i understand there are choices i have made that others consider odd. elitist even.

choices that make me seem like a snob.

but they are my choices.

because at the end of the day i say bless you when someone sneezes.

i say please, and thank you.

and i always introduce my plate to the dishwasher.

i believe in honesty. even if i'm not always good at it. even if it's not always easy.

i believe there are ten million ways to pray. ten million ways to honor God.

i believe that i was raised by two of the best, most honorable people in the world.

and i believe they have instilled within me the skills to be a good person--the need to be a good person.

so, perhaps our beliefs are different. and perhaps the manner in which we live our lives occasionally refuses to align. but i will not apologize for who i am or the choices i have made.

call me elitist, call me snobbish. i refuse to shrink myself to some smaller, more palatable version that sits quietly at the dinner table and poses politely for the family portrait.

image via.

tid-bits and business.

it is just past 11:30 here (mountain standard time).

i woke up but five minutes ago.

making my cumulative sleeping hours twelve (or thereabout).

it was heavenly. and needed (for so many reasons).

the show has been going swimmingly (mostly).

and i'd love for you all to come (and to say hello afterwards).

tonight we have a performance in salt lake 645 e 400 s at 6 pm. so come and bring food and start your weekend off on a romantic (or comic/tragic/life note).

as for the rest of the weekend:

we have two performances this saturday...

August 21 Provo Farmers Market, 500 W Center Street, Provo 12 noon

August 21 Pioneer Park, 500 W Center Street, Provo 7 pm

and then begin again next saturday.

if you have questions please email/leave a comment. my deep apologies for not being so good with either of these things, but i promise to be better this next week and to blog on a more regular basis.

my love and deep gratitude to you all for sharing in this journey with me.

background image by the amazing chris craymer.

growth.

my first year of college was. really. fun.

and i'm not talking about the classes.

i had this lovely and gorgeous group of girl friends and the fourth-year-boys seemed to take us under their wing (as fourth-year-boys tend to do with first-year-girls).

i remember getting dressed up in ridiculous outfits. parties where far too many people were crammed into far too small spaces. and many, many late nights.

nights where five am found us hailing gypsy cabs. where we were greeting the sun before crawling into bed. where breakfast at 7 am in the nearest diner became the last meal before sleep.

and then. life. happened.

and i spent one too many nights in a strange diner. and one too many nights playing video games until 4 am. and one too many nights on someone else's couch.

and so i began to protect my nights and mornings. hold them close to me. guard them with something akin to a vice grip.

and so it went. for quite some time.

i'd leave parties early. pay extra for solo cabs. choose not to go at all . but always, always, cross the threshold to my own bedroom (alone) and breathe in the sweet air of solitude.

so when i came here i was determined that i might find my own space. nothing was of greater import.

and then i arrived. and the room was small. and so damn white. and i started to cry on that first day. hard.

but with a floral bedspread. and a silver lamp from wal-mart the tightness in my chest began to loosen. and the room became home (or some version of it). and i survived my two months there. and i really do mean, survived. nothing more glamorous than just surviving. and then my contract ran out. and i found myself homeless (or some version of it) in provo.

and then miracle of miracles, new friends took me in (like the stray that i am).

and my privacy was shot to hell.

i find that i'm now living in something akin to an actor's commune. we all cook food together. and video games are played until 4 am or 5 (yes, i'm back there). and i fall asleep on the living room floor. and there is no time to myself before bed, or upon waking, and the thing is, not only am i okay with that, i find it... delicious.

so delicious and sweet i can't tear myself from the living room floor to climb into my apportioned bed. night after night it goes like this.

and i feel like a first-year all over again. but better: wiser and fuller. and life is cyclical. forward-moving, but cyclical.

and this sleeping on the living room floor, this giving over of time and space feels like some kind of growth.

so there you have it. here's to you, utah. my deep thanks for the carpet on which i get to sleep, and the cool summer air i feel slipping through the screened windows.

let's get loose

with

compassion,

let's drown in the delicious

ambience of

love.

hafiz

checking in.

my father last night told me my blogging of late has been sporadic at best.

tis true. i apologize. things have been busy on this end.

today we start performing this little show. (are you coming? please come.)

so i woke up actually speaking my lines. half-wake, half-sleep line throughs. it was some kind of actor nightmare.

so here i am. drinking my coffee (calms the nerves). and popping in to say HELLO. YES, I'M HERE! I'M ALIVE.

but before i really start to worry and get nervous about the play tonight (at 7, be there!) i'm moving this morning. to my second abode here in provo.

oh. sigh. long exhale. i cannot tell you how excited i am to be moving. living with girls (that you don't know) can be hard. my least favorite thing? picking something up of the floor and accidentally collecting a clump of hair (that is not your own). and the dirty kitchen.

new friends have taken pity on me and collected me for the stray that i am.

something about living with friends for my last month here in provo seems like perfections.

so i'm off to pack. how do i have so much more than when i first arrived. that's murphy's law, right? or some kinda law?

okay, more anon...

i hope i never think i know.

i want to live in a world where "i don't know" is the currency of choice.

where those three words are recognized as both a gift of humility and generosity.

where that admission is the open doorway, the body of water in which to dive and spin and swirl.

because there is the edge of the cliff. there is the fault-line of humanity.

those three words are prostration before God and the Spirit and the mountains and the rising of the sun each morning.

from there--from the i-don't-know--is life suddenly possible. plausible, even.

it is the heartbeat, the marrow in which to sink one's teeth.

come see free (outdoor) theatre. and bring a picnic!

so i'm in this little play.

and we open thursday.

and can i admit something?

i'm so excited.

and terrified.

but mostly excited.

we're performing all over provo and salt lake.

always outside.

and always free.

which means you just have to show up.

you can bring blankets. or lawn chairs.

and picnics!

can i suggest bread and cheese and grapes and snap pea crisps?

(because that is what i would bring).

i'd love for you to come.

i'd love to see some friendly faces.

and also because,

the thing is...

i think this production is gonna be pretty darn good.

and i think you'd really enjoy yourself.

this weekend's performances:

Thursday, August 12 200 S Main Street, Pleasant Grove, 7 pm

Friday, August 13 Memorial Park @ 800 E and Center Street, Provo 7 pm

Saturday, August 14 Provo Farmers Market, 500 W Center Street, Provo 12 noon

Saturday, August 14 Kiwanis Park, 820 N 1100 E, Provo 7 pm

Monday, August 16 Nielson’s Grove, 2000 S Sandhill Road, Orem 7 pm

find the full performance schedule here at our website: Utah Shakespeare in the Park

or friend us on facebook for updates!

ps: unsure of the original source of the base image. in other words,

it is not my own, but if you know who's it is, please let me know!

of course it is happening inside your head, harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?

j.k. rowling

do not wait for the last judgement. it comes every day.

albert camus

i wanted to write about the moment when you addictions no longer hide the truth from you. when your whole life breaks down. that's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about.

chuck palahniuk

happiness is the consequence of personal effort. you fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. you have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.

elizabeth gilbert

image via.

on why i don't drink diet coke (kind of). and a whole host of other nonsensical ramblings...

i gave up drinking diet coke a year ago last may.

last may?

i punctuate this with a question mark because i can't think of when exactly it was that it happened--the passing of diet coke from my life.

it's a funny thing when you stop drinking it. you still crave it but it never tastes the same. not even close. in fact it tastes just plane awful. and empty.

i started drinking soda water instead because i found the thing i missed most was the hit of carbonation.

yes, i said hit. yes, it is my drug of choice this thing called carbonation.

why did i stop drinking diet coke?

well, the fake sugar actually.

i could go on and on about how bad it is. about how the onset of wide-spread obesity in this country can basically be traced back to the introduction of artificial sweeteners. about how it actually makes you crave food (carbohydrates especially). jeffrey steingarten wrote a really interesting article for vogue about all this. however, where jeffrey failed is that he didn't discuss how artificial sweeteners actually change how the brain tastes sweet. suddenly real sugars aren't so exciting. and so we stop craving and eating real food. and this is, how to say... really dangerous.

look i'm not judging anyone who drinks diet coke. not by a long shot. i get it, i really do. this wasn't mean to be the point of the post. just the preface. so let me try again...

i have found soda water harder to come by here in utah. i have to be really forward about making sure i always have some in my fridge, i can't just run to the corner store if i find i've unexpectedly finished my last bottle of canada dry. it took me some time to learn this and because i often found myself without, i began to turn to the gorgeous silver frosted cans in the fridge bearing the emblem of the alter at which i prayed for a very long time:

it wasn't good the first can. nor the second. but after not so long it began to taste like itself--like really good. like leave-me-alone-i'm-having-a-moment-here good.

and this scared me. this was the start of the slippery slope. diet coke is my gateway drug. it leads to gummy candies and whole bags of tortilla chips and store-bought frosting (and i hate store-bought frosting, in fact i am diametrically opposed to it).

all of this--this long-winded-nesss--is to say, i've passed the diet-coke phase of my life.

in fact, i've passed quite a few phases now.

i'm past the point where i'm okay with dirty dishes being left in the sink. or where i'll sit down on the couch and just watch the E! channel. i think trashy magazines are precisely that: trashy. and i find value in cooking a meal. in eating real food. i like going to bed at a reasonable hour.

because somewhere in all these passed through and now past phases i'm learning a little something about growing up. and responsibility. and the fact that actions have consequences. and maybe i'm a little late to the party, but i don't think so, it all feels right on schedule.

i'm gonna be twenty-five soon. and i can't wait. it feels like a good age. i think i'm gonna have a big party. with an american-in-paris theme (the thought for that went as follows: 25--1925--the lost generation of writers--ex-pats in Paris). i think it's perfect--lots of stripes and berets and red-lipstick and a smorgasbord of cheeses, grapes, wines, and crackers. and champagne, who could forget the champagne?! yes, the party will be grand, the age will be grand. and life will move-on, forward.

you couldn't pay me to go back to twenty-two, the college years, and a sink full of dirty dishes. no sirree.

this is just to swoon...

oh for a man with some deep-set eyes.

late night abandon.

last night i climbed into bed, pajamas and all at the whopping-late hour of 10:15. when left to my own devices i find i'm a much better and healthier human being when i turn in early and rise much the same.

however after getting a call just five minutes later that promised adventure, i threw on some pants and an over-sized shirt in preparation for a trip up the canyon--the lure of a bonfire is just too much for me.

however, this morning i'm feeling old. staying out till 3 is harder than it used to be. and that much sugar, that late at night is bound to have it's repercussions. but in my defense the marshmallows were the size of small-children's-fists and who can resist that? and i so love to see them catch on fire.

even if i have to spend this week in sugar-detox, it was worth it.

ps: have you ever tried roasted starbursts? no? you must?! that is all i will say.